Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It has recently been brought to my attention that some of my own family and friends have had negative things to say about me about what I've been posting. This of course hurts me in some ways, but I by no means have hard feelings towards these people nor do I hold a grudge of any sorts.

Some people are saying that the things I say on my blog should not have been posted and they should've been kept to myself. Apparently I am pouring out my feelings too much and I should deal with them privately. And you know what....yes I knew some people would say these things, yes I knew that there would be people who would judge, and yes I knew that some people would be vocal about it. And I even bet some of you even think I post some things I say for attention or sympathy. Well.....let me just say that that is NOT true at all. I just write how I feel, good or bad. I am not looking for attention just so people feel sorry for me. I am not like that. But you don't know me and what I've had to go through in my life.

I mean, yes I do maybe think the previous 'stress relieving' post that I did should not have been posted; about Ben not being a good sleeper and how stressed and frustrated I was. But I seriously wrote that at 1:30am in the morning with a crying baby next door to me. I was a little out of it. Literally not sleeping for 5 days straight. I don't think I should be writing anything when I'm exhausted like that and take all my anger out on my blog for everyone to see haha.

But, the post about my depression was really different. It was literally a cry for help...not attention. I felt confused, alone, frustrated, and in a darker place in my life. I didn't even initially write that post for the purpose of seeking help, I was simply prompted to write it. I knew a lot of people were curious about how I was doing being a parent and how my post-partum was affecting my life.  And that's what I want my blog to be about. I want people to know about my life and vice versa with theirs. I feel like blogs and facebook keep our families and friends in the loop of how everyone is doing and I LOVE it. Immediately after posting it, I felt like that was the right thing to do. And holy cow did I ever get the help that I needed. I have never felt so much love and support in my life. People that I have never even met came and told me their stories and shared their advice and support. I've also had many people tell me that I was very brave to share my situation to the world and how inspired they were to do the same and not be ashamed of the same things they were going through. And I STILL have my friends and family checking up on me to see how Im doing. I didn't know that THAT was the help I truly needed. My inbox's and comments were overflowing with kind words and fantastic advice and nothing but love. For days I would read these words from everyone and just cry. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. I felt Happy. I felt Alive. I felt Uplifted. And for about 2 straight months after posting it, my dark days decreased dramatically. Before I was feeling awful about 4 days out of the week. And after it went down to about 1, maybe 2. And there were some weeks where I didn't have a single bad day. I still have yet to see a doctor, which I know I said I was going to do. But I've just been feeling so good about life!! {Minus these past 2 weeks of Ben not sleeping haha. Which by the way he is sleeping like a champ again!!! And again, thank you for all the great advice about how to handle it! I kept him on a more consistent schedule and pushed through it. It feels good!} So I haven't REALLY felt the need to go see anyone like before. But, I think I will still go see my family doctor because I do still have some feelings that are still lingering that I thought would just leave.

I know that people aren't always going to agree with me about the things I post. Whether they think Im sharing too much, whether Im dealing with my situation properly, whether Im a good parent, or whether my intentions are true about why I post some things. But it's my blog and Im going to keep writing about my life the way I want. It's not like I don't post about the awesome things too. I have TONS of posts about how awesome life is! There's just been a few bumps in the road that I needed some help with. And I really do need to be better about blogging about my awesome summer and all the fun things I've done. But that will come soon ;)

I would also like to take this time to give a huge shout out to the people who have been right there helping me along with being a new mom and all the things that come with it:

Maikal, Mom, Dad, Hailey, Radelle, Laura, Krystal, Kari, Cherisa, Kristen, Kelliane, Melissa, Melinda, Stacey, Sydney, Nicole, Brittnee, Meg, Cari, Vanessa, Mel, Keshia, Tara, Mary-Ann, Carla, Tia, Lori, Paula, Christy, Crystal, Jesse, Caitlin, my siblings as well as Maikals whole family. And I know I am forgetting so many people....But I am having a brain fart right now! SO Im so sorry! You all have no idea how much of an impact you have had on my life. I love you all so much!

As for right now. I am great! I am having lots of fun with everyone down south and Im excited to go back up to Drayton Valley to see my family and friends and new cousins!!! And Yes Maikal is gone and I miss him like CRAZY!!! But we're pushing through. Krystal Alston you're going to have to tell me how you made it so long without your 2 awesome men! This is brutal! Thank goodness for skype am I right :)

Sunday, July 21, 2013
Love You

Maikal, it is your birthday today. We are a million miles away from each other and it hurts to know that I won't see your handsome face for 5 more weeks. But I am dedicating this post to you. The most wonderful man I have ever met. The most caring and sharing. The most loving. The most intelligent. The most logical. The most spiritual.

Maikal, I love you because:

you put God above all else

your family is extremely important to you

you work incredibly hard to be successful in your schooling

you make sure we are being taken care of physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially

you still hold my hand every night when we go to sleep and every morning when we wake up

you are an equal partner in raising our child

you still want to be close and cuddle with me (even tho sometimes i dont haha)

you let me buy whatever I want no matter what the cost ;)

you know how to have fun

you love to travel and be spontaneous

you love to dance with me when a sweet song comes on

you like to challenge yourself and learn as much as you can

you have great ambition and determination

you have so many different skills

you are the friend everyone wants to be with

you make me the happiest I have ever been

Happy 28th Birthday Old Man

I love you!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

It's 1:30am.
Ben will not sleep.
He's been fussing and crying for over 1 hour.
I hate everything right now.

Ok im going to vent again. Sorry guys. I must seem like a miserable person hahaha. Ever since the second week of being in Canada, Ben has been a sleeping nightmare. That very first week, he was sleeping 13 hours straight every night!! Best baby ever!! And then we went up to my parents house where it all fell apart. And I just don't see why! He had his own room, he had lots to do during the day, he had lots of people loving him, it wasn't super cold.....SO WHAT WAS IT!! It seems i will never know for sure.

There has been talk of regression, he's out of his routine, there are too many new things in his life, he is over tired.......but I seriously just don't know what to do anymore. I live in a full house. Every room is taken, so where does Ben get to sleep? Right next to me in my room. So I can't even just go shut a door and let him scream it out for a while. He's RIGHT next to me screaming. And Ive tested this over and over and over....he WILL NOT sleep through the night if he is in the same room as us. He just doesn't. And even if he has his own room in this house (the boys leave on vaca sometimes), he still won't sleep. FRICK! WHAT DO YOU WANT CHILD!?? He's super happy during the day and takes good naps. Tonight, I even put him to bed at 8pm with a full tummy and a bottle, put lavender on his neck, and made the room very comfortable. But what happened at 12:30am????? HE WOKE UP. Not even just a little cry...he was sitting up and whining. So it's 1:40am right....and I don't hear anything anymore....I hope hes out until at least 7am. If not...I am going to scream. There have only been a handful of nights where he actually slept his normal 12 hours. The rest have been 5am wake-ups for 2 hours then he goes back to sleep. I guess I just need to give it more time with his normal schedule. 7-7:30 wake up, 12 or 1pm naptime, and 7-7:30 bedtimes. With it being summer and all, hes been staying up really late sometimes and taking later naps. But shouldnt he just sleep the same?? just go to bed later and wake up later?? Whatever...babies are weird like that.

AND it is SOOOO much harder now that Maikal is gone. I no longer get that little break when he goes and takes him so I don't freak out and take it out on my child. I am alone now.
......oh.....hang on......there he is crying again....I knew it was a trick.

So, Im sorry to be a downer and basically repeating this post for like...the 4th time. But sometimes writing it down does make me feel better. A friend mentioned this sleep agent for babies that im going to try, Quietude i think. It's suppose to help children calmed down and have better sleeps. So that and keeping him on a more consistent schedule. Thats my plan. And I hope it works. Thanks for listening.

ok...I think he is asleep now. So I am finally going to try and sleep before he wakes up in like 4 hours. awesome. feels like i have a newborn. hate it.

"Dear Ben, If you keep going on like this, you won't get a sibling for a VERY long time!! So sleep better PLEASE!!"

Saturday, July 13, 2013
5 Week Overload

So I've kinda been slacking on the whole blogging bad. But we have just been so busy!!
We LOVE being back here in Canada and we can't believe it's already over!....for Maikal anyways. He's leaving TOMORROW to go back to Hawaii for Summer B classes. I can't believe we will be apart for 6 weeks! The longest we've gone is 4 days....this is gunna suck.
It was a busy 5 weeks. And although Maikal feels like we didn't get enough relaxing time, I still feel like we've had so much fun. Let me take you through our break so far:
Week 1-1.5: We came to Lethbridge where Maikal spent 3 days in Med Hat to shadow a Dentist. We hung out with family and a nice time.
Week 2-3: We spent at my parents house up in Drayton Valley. It is SO beautiful up there. We went quadding, hung out at the beach, played with my cousins, helped Adam make a patio pad, and played alot of Settlers and Rook. Also, my sister Rebecca Graduated!! So proud of her :)
Week 4: Canada Day was AWESOME. We went bridge jumping, went to the parade, ate yummy food, hung out with was amazing. The rest of the week was spent hanging out with friends, going to movies, and doing a few errands before Maikal heads back to Hawaii.
Week 5: Was spent just hanging with friends and a few last minute things that needed to be done. We went strawberry and Pea picking at his parents, had a bonfire, went to the pool, and spent alot of time in backyards just talking. Its been very nice.

I worry that we didn't get everything done that we needed to before Maikal leaves tomorrow. But I hope I can do the rest by myself. And Im sure Im missing alot of activities that we've done, but I just can't remember right now....

All I can think about is how much I am going to miss Maikal! Gahhhhh
I am basically going to be a single parent for 6 weeks. But thank goodness for family and friends!! I feel so lucky to have so many all around me :) Seriously blessed.

And Im not gunna lie, I really want to go back to Hawaii now. I miss the ocean, the scenery, the humidity, all of it!!! But, I've already booked a bunch of Photo Shoots so i have to stay.....oh well. But it's going to be nice to see more of my family :)

But here are alot of pictures of how our summer has been!

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