Thursday, May 9, 2013
Breaking Down

Today was a bad day, well most of it.
I keep telling myself that everything is going to get better.
Ever since Ben was born, I've been a different person.
A lesser version of myself.

Something you may not know about me
is that I put on a strong face.
If Im having trouble with something difficult,
I won't share it,
At least not what Im truly feeling.

I've been telling everyone that being a Mom 
is getting 'better' and that my depression isn't a 
huge factor in my life....
But that's not true. At all.

When things get serious,
I don't admit things.
I don't ask for help.
I stay closed.
But it's hurting too much to keep it
inside any longer.

I am still suffering from postpartum depression.
I hate admitting it.
I hate that it had to happen to me.
I hate that Maikal can't understand what Im going through.
I feel so alone.

Postpartum depression symptoms
Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:

  • Loss of appetite
  • Insomnia
  • Intense irritability and anger
  • Overwhelming fatigue
  • Loss of interest in sex
  • Lack of joy in life
  • Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
  • Severe mood swings
  • Difficulty bonding with your baby
  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Untreated, postpartum depression may last for many months or longer

Some days are better than others.
But it's always there.
Always weakening me.

I don't feel close to my baby.
Haven't felt that way for over a year now.
Right after we got married, I was in absolute bliss.
I was the happiest I've ever been.
But that quickly changed.
It may seem like I 'Have The Life' right now.
But to me, my life is a huge mess.
How can I be happy when I have a kid who is
CONSTANTLY whining or NEVER seems to be content.
I can't go and do things with family or friends because Im
stuck watching him. 
I see everyone having fun playing in the ocean.
but there's always someone left out.

It's easy to post pictures and tell everyone about the good
things in my life. But what about the bad parts??
No one EVER posts anything about
how hard parenting really least for me.
Or maybe Im just focusing too much on all the bad
and not enough on the good.
But it's hard to do that when it feels like your
kid is crying 10 hours a day.

Being a Mom is LITERALLY the most stressful thing I've ever had to do.
Most of the time I absolutely hate it.
The constant messes, crying, responsibilities, worry, lack of sleep, and tantrums
are really wearing me down. 
I feel like my mind and body just can't do this anymore.
I see all these Mom's having so much fun with their babies
and saying how much they bring so much joy into their lives.
This is not the case for me.
I find myself ignoring him and passing him off as
soon as I get the chance.

And please don't get me wrong,
I do really love him.
And I would be devastated if anything happened to him.
I just wish this time in my life came later in my life...
Like WAYYYYY later.

Doctors say that it's not my fault and that it's a severe illness.
Well I was in denial for so long that I never took care of it.
So here I am, still having depression issues.

Im bawling my eyes out as Im writing this.
This is not an easy thing to talk about.
Many of you are going to judge me.
But that's ok. You probably just don't understand.

But, I really am trying to be more positive.
Im trying to have more faith in God that he will 
help me get through this.
But it's just so hard when you've been praying for so long
for things to get better, but it just doesn't.

I don't really know what else to say.
But I do know that this has made me feel better.
I've never been one to talk about this stuff openly.
And sorry it's so long...


  1. I'm so sorry:( I've never had to deal with PPD...but I have a lot of friends that do, and I know how hard it can be. I had a really hard time enjoying being a mother when my kids were younger, in fact, mostly it was awful! But, I found that as they grew up, and got more independent, and we got through the rough potty and sleep training, that honestly now I can say I love it. Not all the time for sure, but it is SO much easier and enjoyable. Just give it time, get a good support system, and read some good books. I read a lot of sleep training, behavioural and parenting books, and I usually found a few things I liked out of each of them. If you want any good book ideas, let me know. Good luck, and hang in there:)

  2. Brittany.
    I know I don't know you personally, but I do know what you are going through. My Asher will be two on monday, and I am still battling PPD. I didn't take care of it because I thought it was something that would cure itself, and because of that I have a long way to go. But I can promise you this, it does get better. The day you bond with your little one, the day it stops feeling like such a chore, it is the most rewarding day you'll ever have. There are all kinds of people who will give you advice, but the best I ever received was to take it one day at a time.I know its annoying, but its true. I literally would have to force myself out of bed, shower, and look in the mirror for what seemed like ages and convince myself that I could do it. But at the end of the day, I made it! And each day has gotten better, slowly but surely. I hope you have found people you can talk to. It is nothing to be ashamed about. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. And you will get better, I promise.

    I have so much respect for you, for putting it out there and letting people know that you are struggling. If you ever want to talk, I am free!

    Meg Baines (Cory Baines wife)

    1. Meg, thank you for taking the time to write to me! I know we haven't officially met, but we have crossed paths a few time actually. I remember serving you at mocha cabana a couple times (I was a waitress there), and coincidentally, I was there for Asher's baby blessing (we had a friend blessing his baby the same day). But seriously thank you for the kind words and support! Im happy im not alone and Im sorry that this has happened to you as well. it sucks!! But i am very happy that things have gotten better for you! It gives me great hope that the same thing will happen to me. I would love to talk sometime!

  3. I don't know you personally, and I don't think we've ever met. But I came across your blog from my sis-in-law. I haven't had to deal with PPD personally, but I do feel for you! We're all given such hard trials to face in this life that sometimes really just don't seem fair or make sense. Hang in there. You seem like such a beautiful gorgeous person inside and out and your little man and your husband are so blessed to have you in their lives. I know it's so easy to compare ourselves to others, ok who am I kidding I do it all the time. But trust me, none of us are perfect and I feel all of us put up a good front at times. Again, hang in there!

    1. Thank you for commenting Nicole! You are so thoughtful!

  4. I've been dealing with a little bit of a loss of a sense of myself since my LO was born. I love him so much, as I know you love your son, but being a mama is hard work! I can't imagine dealing with full on PPD as you are, but know you are not alone in feeling like you've lost yourself. As moms, especially SAHMs, we put our child's every angle need above our own and it becomes exhausting. I forget what it means to REST, to simply have a few minutes of uninterrupted thought. Every second we moms are being pulled in every different direction by our LO who are just eager to learn.
    I know it's tough, but you're not alone. You have every right to express yourself through your personal blog! Don't let the complainers silence you. A good vent sesh is always helpful.

    Like I said, I'm not goin pg through the extreme depression you are, but taking ona new role as a mother is a change for sure! If you'd like to read a few of my own thoughts, ill attach a log post I wrote about my exhaustion and impatience....

    Ps. I'm bailey kado's SIL is how I stumbled across your blog.


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