Breaking Down
Today was a
bad day, well most of it.
I keep telling myself that everything is going to get
better.
Ever since Ben was born, I've been a different person.
A
lesser version of myself.
Something you may not know about me
is that I put on a strong face.
If Im having trouble with something difficult,
I won't share it,
At least not what Im truly feeling.
I've been telling everyone that being a Mom
is getting 'better' and that my depression isn't a
huge factor in my life....
But that's not true. At all.
When things get serious,
I don't admit things.
I don't ask for help.
I stay closed.
But it's hurting too much to keep it
inside any longer.
I am still
suffering from
postpartum depression.
I
hate admitting it.
I
hate that it had to happen to me.
I
hate that Maikal can't understand what Im going through.
I feel so alone.
Postpartum depression symptoms
Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:
- Loss of appetite
- Insomnia
- Intense irritability and anger
- Overwhelming fatigue
- Loss of interest in sex
- Lack of joy in life
- Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
- Severe mood swings
- Difficulty bonding with your baby
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Untreated, postpartum depression may last for many months or longer
Some days are better than others.
But it's always there.
Always weakening me.
I don't feel close to my baby.
Haven't felt that way for over a year now.
Right after we got married, I was in absolute bliss.
I was the happiest I've ever been.
But that quickly changed.
It may seem like I 'Have The Life' right now.
But to me, my life is a huge mess.
How can I be happy when I have a kid who is
CONSTANTLY whining or NEVER seems to be content.
I can't go and do things with family or friends because Im
stuck watching him.
I see everyone having fun playing in the ocean.
but there's always someone left out.
It's easy to post pictures and tell everyone about the good
things in my life. But what about the bad parts??
No one EVER posts anything about
how hard parenting really is...at least for me.
Or maybe Im just focusing too much on all the bad
and not enough on the good.
But it's hard to do that when it feels like your
kid is crying 10 hours a day.
Being a Mom is LITERALLY the most stressful thing I've ever had to do.
Most of the time I absolutely hate it.
The constant messes, crying, responsibilities, worry, lack of sleep, and tantrums
are really wearing me down.
I feel like my mind and body just can't do this anymore.
I see all these Mom's having so much fun with their babies
and saying how much they bring so much joy into their lives.
This is not the case for me.
I find myself ignoring him and passing him off as
soon as I get the chance.
And please don't get me wrong,
I
do really love him.
And I would be devastated if anything happened to him.
I just wish this time in my life came later in my life...
Like WAYYYYY later.
Doctors say that it's not my fault and that it's a severe illness.
Well I was in denial for so long that I never took care of it.
So here I am, still having depression issues.
Im bawling my eyes out as Im writing this.
This is not an easy thing to talk about.
Many of you are going to judge me.
But that's ok. You probably just don't understand.
But, I really am trying to be more positive.
Im trying to have more faith in God that he will
help me get through this.
But it's just so hard when you've been praying for so long
for things to get better, but it just doesn't.
I don't really know what else to say.
But I do know that this has made me feel better.
I've never been one to talk about this stuff openly.
And sorry it's so long...